Happiness Doesn't Exist

It's true.  No one can ever be truly happy.  If they say they are....why do they keep looking for something better?  Why do you have to look for the greener grass?  What's wrong with the grass you have now?  It's loved and taken care of.  It gets played on by frolicking, laughing, life-filled children.  It gets watered everyday, and maybe a few flowers planted to "spruce it up."  It may not look like much, but it's a hardy yard and full of life.  Anything can grow in it.  And if you go to someone else's yard, why do you deny that you did?  Why do you lie about admiring a yard that "looks" better than what you have?  Or deny that you did yard work somewhere else?  Or tell someone passing by that this yard is not yours?  "Hey neighbor, there's a brown spot showing up in the corner."  "Ohhh, this isn't my yard!  I don't know anything about that."  That's when we wait for someone to throw a wrench in your lawnmower.  See how you take care of your yard NOW.

The END of Term 4!

*BIG sigh of RELIEF!*
I don't know whether to laugh or cry!  I checked my grades for all 3 of my classes, and only 1 of them had the final FINAL grades posted.  The other 2 still needed the week 10 items graded.  I'm very nervous.  For my A&P II class, I never did the final paper.  My grade so far without it is a 95, but that's not including the final exam (which I did bad on...72 I think), and that damned final paper.  I'm hoping it won't drop me down too low, because I wanted to have those A's when I finished school.
It's my own fault really, but I'm blaming it all on my "husband" and all the shit he's done to me.  I'm even angrier at myself for letting it bother me so much.  I should NOT have let this interfere too much with all that I had to do for school.  That's why I'm hoping that this move is just what I need.  Some time to clear my head, at least.
In other news, a good friend of mine made contact with me a couple of days ago.  We sat there and IMed each other for a good while, because it's been over a year since the last time we spoke.  I told him about my problems (he was always such a great listener when we used to work at Wal-mart together) and told him about my upcoming move.  He asked how far that was from El Paso (where he lives now), and when I told him, he was like "Oh cool, maybe I could go visit you every once in awhile?!"  I told him that would be like the best thing ever.  We could go to the big town and let loose!  If he's game, so am I!  And no, this wouldn't be a "romantic" relationship.  He's told me he never wants to get married and "settle down" because there's so much he wants to do in his life, and places he wants to see, and he feels having a family (even without children) would only interfere.  He's not a jerk in any way, but he's got some very weird views on life in my opinion.  Unless it's just me.....?  Anyhoo, I hope he really does visit when he can.  He's such great fun to be with.  But I guess we'll see!

Packing!

Now, in midst of all these final exams, final projects, and final papers, I also get to PACK!!!  I know, I know, this is definitely not a good time for me to do be doing everything all at once, especially considering I haven't even started that final paper yet.  I must love torture or something.  But it must be done, because we need to be out of here by the end of next month.  I already started packing some of the non-essentials like blankets (in the middle of summer!), shoes (made the kids pick one pair of sandals to use), shelves, some books, and all my photo albums and pictures.  I probably won't do the kitchen and clothes until last, seeing as how I need to throw my daughters dressers away because they are so trashed as it is.  So that's a small blessing in disguise....two less things to haul!  *sigh*  I still wish I didn't have to move, but how else can I keep my sanity?  This is the best time, especially since it falls during the summer and roughly in between my fourth and fifth terms.  Guess I shouldn't complain too much then!

Random Ramblings

"Never regret something that made you smile."  Okay, so what do we do with the other stuff that DIDN'T make us smile?  Yes, this must seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but like I said... "Random" ramblings.  I was just thinking back on my late-uncle, my mom's twin brother, and especially about the year before he died.  June 8 marked the 2-year anniversary of his death, so naturally my thoughts are of him.  He was a hell-raiser from birth, but I often wonder if the ghosts of his past didn't haunt him sometimes?  He was never the best dad, or the best uncle even....but he was always THERE.  That's the reason I've always seen him as my father figure, seeing as how my own wasn't there.  He was the cheapest mechanic I had, too.  Whenever I needed help on something, all it cost was a six-pack.  After that we would sit down and shoot the breeze and BS.  He, of course, would drink and we'd sit around watching my kids run around everywhere.  The twins were not even one so they were mainly in bouncers, and every now and then I would catch him just staring at them, as if contemplating on some past memory.  That's what made me wonder if he thought about the past.  If he was thinking back on all his past transgressions or not, or if he was simply thinking back on happier times.  Memories of my childhood are filled with him.  He had a blazer in the years of my youth, and he would always pack all of us in (his 4 kids, my 2 other cousins, and my brother and I) and just take us on a joy-ride.  This was all back before seat-belt laws were passed, so we would go crazy jumping around and back and forth!  Summers were always spent at the swimming pool and at the lake.  Ahhh, the lake!  Barbecues, baking in the sun, swimming, laughing, playing, drinking, eating........I would give my life to re-live even just one day back then.  My uncle was always the diving board for us, :).  We would climb on his shoulders and he would throw us in, or race the older ones to the buoy................................Did he remember those times, on those hot days when he visited me?  I hate to think of him living with regrets, but I know he had them.  I'm not a fool to think that someone is that perfect as to not make mistakes in life.  With as much as he suffered the last two weeks of his life, I'm grateful that he was finally able to go home and rest, even though it hurt so much to lose him.  I like to think that he's in the arms of my grandparents once again, alongside his sister.  And that now, his heart and soul are at peace.  My regret?  That I didn't tell him more often how much I loved him.  But I sure as hell hope he felt it.

IN LOVING MEMORY:

ALEJANDRO MEDINA

SEPT. 13, 1952-JUNE 8, 2008

IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER

Small miracles

Ok, so I guess I can't complain about EVERYTHING.  I just have to hit myself on the head and remind myself to count the blessings that I DO have and quit crying about the ones I don't.  At least one big weight fell off of my shoulder today.  And there's only one more week left before my husband leaves.  That'll be the biggest chunk ever.  I only wish things weren't this way.  I had never imagined myself being alone.  But soon, I will be.  He's finally told me he'll sign divorce papers if I sent them to him.  Before, he would always say there's no way he'd divorce me.  That I was his until we die.  I know I'm going to cry like a baby when they tell me I'm single.  I had always dreamed of a future with him, watching our kids grow up.  I dreampt of the times he would walk our daughters down the aisle and give them away.  And stand beside our sons when they watched their brides walk towards them.  I even dreampt once of us sitting on the porch, both of us in rocking chairs, watching the grand-kids play in the front yard.  For anybody who likes The Judds, one of their songs hits really close to my sentiments..."Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days."  Especially the lines that say "Where lovers really fall in love to stay, stand beside each other come what may" and "Daddies really never go away."  Talk about nostalgia.  I can only think of one friend of mine that has been with her husband since high school.  The rest have been divorced or separated from theirs (including husband-boyfriends as I call them).  Why can't we go back to days where people wouldn't even mumble the word "divorce" for fear of being struck down by God?  People were more solid in their choices back then, and in their commitment and responsibilities.  Men made babies to take care of them.  Maybe we could even learn a lesson or two from our canine brothers, the wolves.  They mate for life.  They only take another "partner" if one dies, and sometimes not even then.  Are we so stupid that dogs are smarter than us?  Sheesh.

When Will This Nightmare END?????????

I finally see my sanity at the end of this long, dark tunnel.  Why does it happen, that when you're really waiting for something to happen, that that's when life goes into slow-mo?  So much needless pain and suffering will finally end, but the end of that is slow in coming.  Why does life do that to us?

Eh, what else is there to do?

I was actually being a good girl and getting things done early, only to find out that technical support has to work on issues regarding the KU platform, which means.....I can't get into the classrooms to do my work!  Of course!!!!!!!  When I actually try to keep up instead of procrastinating in the last few hours, I CAN'T GET INTO THE CLASS!  So this majorly blows.  Hopefully this little "issue" will be fixed by the time class starts tonight.  Come on tech support, SUPPORT!